Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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