I think my fart just growled at me.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
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We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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