you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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