I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
