I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
