next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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