Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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