Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
