So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
cat food counts as protein by the way
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
