I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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