i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
