I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
