It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
