Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
