ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
