Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
