Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
