My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
