I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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