If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
