Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
