mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
