you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
this just has baby written all over it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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