Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
