I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
