the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
