I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
