sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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