..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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