i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
