if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And then my night got REAL pukey
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
