I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
