closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
