does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
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Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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