if i can run in heels then i can drive
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
birth control should be required to get into college
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
