life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
