i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
