How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
