Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
