Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Randomize
