Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
