The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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