i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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