I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
