I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
