I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
