The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
