Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So here I am, sexting at work.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
