Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
