I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
