You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
