he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You may now shotgun with the bride
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
