At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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