I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
