new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.