If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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