I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
