I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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