Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
