T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
